Consider it Fixed

Yes. I know how to fix the economy. I could do it tomorrow. Tonight even. And so could my fellow running mates I'll bet - or the fellows I'm running against. Are they my running mates? It sounds weird all of a sudden to say that. I think "running mate" is the guy I'm running with once I'm "the nominee", right? So - the other guys, the ones who will NOT be the nominee, the other fellows - what are they? Candidates? They wish. Ha. Well that's what I'll call them for now. They're all good guys too. Just not as good as me.
And that brings me back to my point. Here's why I can fix the economy - because I know how to do it. And that's really "it" in a nutshell and all you need to know. Capesh? That's a "mafia word" that people say in big cities. I just threw that in so you'll know I can relate to big city people AND to real Americans too. Because I will be everybody's President. Not like that black guy - I mean blah - that's what I really said, that blah guy - (Because he's really boring) not black (though he is that too). That blah guy only wants to be the President for people who like "arugula" and read a lot of "books". But I wouldn't know arugula if it bit me on the leg. (is that what it is? A bug? It sounds like a bug!) And as for books - sure - I can read a lot of books, but I only need to read One. And that's the only One you need to read too. And its the only One you will read when I'm President. And that book is The Bible. Anyway - so the reason I can fix the economy, aside from the main reason: that I know how to fix it - is because I'm really just the best candidate! And the most handsome one too!!
I know, I know - that other guy is supposedly the most handsome one. And I guess he's handsome in a really obvious, almost "too handsome" way. But I also know that women don't really like men who are that handsome. Not really. They may "pretend" to like them if they run into them at Cici's pizza or a church function - but really - they kind of hate him. And that's why (both men and women) are trying so hard to not pick him. See where I'm going with this? It's OK if you don't.
You don't need to see where I'm going. Just lay back and let me drive. That's what I tell my wife and she does and my gosh she loves it.
Believe me. Don't ask her, because you don't need to ask her because I'm telling you. I know her very well and she wouldn't mind because she doesn't mind anything I say or do. That's one of the many, many things I love about her! And you'll love her too because she will be the kind of First Lady who doesn't insist on being "First". She'll probably ask to have her title changed to just "Lady". But I will insist that she at least lets us to call her "Special Lady" - because that's what she is.
How'd I get "off topic" and start talking about my wife? That happens to me a lot. She's really got a hold on me. And I've got a hold on her.
And I want to get a hold on you too. I want to hold you America. To hold you and fix your economy and get that monkey of birth control off your back and end ALL regulations on everything because God is the Great Regulator and He'll handle it. OK!  You got me - that's the reason I know I can fix the economy. Because He is really the one who will fix it.
Hey? Are you crying? Don't cry. Come here ... Shhhhhhhh ...  America. You look so pretty in the light that shines out of my eyes. Just be quiet, shhhh ... and lay back and let me drive, while I introduce you to my Awesome God and ... my gosh - you will love it.