"F#%k you!" I think, when the subway conductor thanks us for our "patience" until our delayed train moves again.
"Patience?" I silently shout, "We're stuck on the train you moron! Patience has nothing to do with it!!"
Then later, when I can finally leave the train, "Oh Jesus! Seriously?" This because the person ahead of me is on crutches - or very old - or both, and they're in my way!
Or, "Crap!!" as I spot the harried Mom, preparing to struggle up the subway stairs with her baby/stroller/giant bag. "I don't have to help her ... " I hiss in my head. "I helped somebody yesterday - isn't that enough??"
Or other times its just a random torrent of vitriol. "This sucks! This s#%t sucks! F%#k this s%#t AND f%#k you too buddy and your little pig nosed baby or dog or whatever the hell that is!"
This all happens quickly, seamlessly - like liquid. Liquid feces I guess. Bad liquid, suffice to say.
Sometimes I'm not really concerned about it. I might even laugh at myself. "Criminy Carol, lighten up!" - ha ha.
But other times - it's a little alarming.
What is all this negative energy I'm spewing out doing? Is it creating MORE negative energy? Probably. Are other people doing it too? Probably. What would happen if suddenly all my thoughts were out loud and not just in my head. What if everyone's were. Would it be a chorus of "F%#k you's!!" that would swell into something with it's own unique beauty? A punk rock Gregorian chant?
Or more like "Music to Kill By - Satan's Greatest Hits! Vol. I".
Or would it be all pillowy, meandering day dreams, random grocery lists, errands "to do" and done - with only my shrill and hateful thoughts stinkin' up the joint.
I don't know. But I do know it's not the thing for Spring (or any season, really) And here's the cure - I think.
It's something I started doing shortly after I moved here, when I first noticed those rotten little "thought bubbles" popping up. I would look around at my fellow travelers - on the train - on the street - wherever - and silently wish them luck. If I happened to make eye contact or not, either way, I'd look at someone and send this mental message, "Good luck sir" or "Good luck ma'am" or "young man" or "young lady", whatever seemed to fit. And a wave of peace would wash over me. A little space would open in my collar bone, allowing a tiny beam of light to peep through. Not enough to blind anyone or wreck an airplane - not like a laser pointer - just a warm little beam.
It was - in short - a very noticeable change. And I started to wonder, "When I'm thinking all those mean things - does that have a physical effect on me too?"
It wasn't one I was particularly aware of - just a kind of tight, stony feeling. Which is, not that I think about it "an effect". It was just hard to notice until I switched the "F%#k you's" to the "Good Lucks".
Well. I totally forgot about that yesterday, and I spewed mental curses left and right, willy-nilly, a hateful mental drunk on a bender. And I just want to say, "I'm sorry New York City".
And "Good luck to you sir - madame - young lady - young man" - and to all who eschew those labels too.
I'm turning a new leaf for Spring. Or pulling an old leaf out my spiritual sweater box. From now on - until I forget - that friendly little leaf will be my touch stone.
Ah! my collar bone just opened up! Just a little, letting out enough light to get through the day, the night, and so on. Yay Spring!
