Saturday, August 1, 2015

For his opening remarks, Donald Trump will bite the head off of a live chicken.

 He will then lean into his now blood spattered microphone and say, "I don't know about you, but it always bothered me that Alice Cooper didn't really do it. I am about REALLY DOING THINGS! And I will bite the head off of ANYTHING for my country!!"
After a moment of stunned silence - Mike Huckabee will slap a wig on Marco Rubio - smear lipstick on his mouth and shove his tongue down Rubio's throat, while screaming, between kisses, "You MY "b-word" now Rubio!!!! (Huckabee refuses to curse, no matter what) Look at what a little "b-word" he is!!! right Donald??? You wanna kiss my little "b-word"???" 
Rubio will struggle free and cry, "Hey! Cut it out Mike!!" and wipe off the lipstick. The moderator, Chuck Norris, will then ask the first question, because all time for more opening remarks has been used up.
Chuck Norris will direct his first question to Governor Scott Walker.
"If you could design your own "nuclear deal with Iran", as opposed to "the marching the Israelis into the ovens of the Holocaust" one that President Obama just made, what would it be?"
But before Walker can answer Trump takes another bite of the still pulsating yet now headless chicken - and yells "My Deal Would Look Like this!!!!" 
Feathers and little pieces of bone fly out of his mouth.
The rest of the candidates all scream variations of "Blow 'em up!" "Nuke 'em all!!" "Kill!Kill!Kill!!" and the like.
Before the next question can be asked - Chris Christie - in a panic - pulls down his pants and attempts to force Neurosurgeon Ben Carson to perform fellatio on him, but he underestimates Dr. Carson's fitness level. Carson deftly pushes the butt of his hand up Christie's nose, snapping his head back, breaking both his nose and his neck - he falls to the stage with a thud, twitching and bleeding. Carson calmly walks back to his podium and says quietly - "Ask me a question Chuck Norris ... I really want you to ask me a question. I know all of the answers. Ask me something."
Chuck Norris, after checking with the producer, calls an ambulance and announces that the debate will pause while Governor Christie gets medical attention. Jeb Bush rushes over to Christie and tries to perform CPR but realizes that he doesn't know how. 
Ted Cruz - who's been silent until now, pulls out two automatic weapons and threatens to blow away anyone who helps Christie. Trump calmly walks over - his mouth still bloody from the chicken, which he's eaten at least half of now - and says to Cruz, "Give me the guns Ted."
Ted says, "OK, I'll give 'em to you" - and fires at Trump, round after round. The bullets enter his body and exit - blood pours out - but he just keeps checking his hair and laughing, not falling and not dying. Cruz is running out of ammunition. The others throw their weapons to him.
** (All debate participants were required to bring at least one loaded firearm).
No matter how many times Cruz fires at Trump, he will not die.
The debate finally ends - Fox's ratings are through the roof, and Americans, on the whole, feel that the debate really gave them a better idea of the candidates platforms and stances on various issues. However, all agree that they need to see more debates before making their final decision.
 With Chris Christie dead, it is likely that Rick Perry will be able to join the next debate, and of course - the apparently unstoppable Donald Trump will continue to lead in the polls.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Crank call .... #LoveWins #BigotsLose #MyMarriageIsSafe !!

Peter just called me - he's out on tour so, you know, hasn't been home much lately. Then I nearly fainted, because he yelled into the phone. "I want a divorce!" "What??" I asked him why, and he said - "Because Gay People are getting Married - DUH !!!! That makes our marriage invalid!!!" -- but something about the call was funny. So I said, "... wait a minute ... you don't sound like Peter ... who is this??" -- Then I figured it out. It was Rush Limbaugh - Donald Trump ... and Sarah Palin. They sounded drunk, and were giggling and shushing each other. Then one of them - Limbaugh, I'm pretty sure, started to cry. He mumbled through tears "I have feelings for Antonin Scalia. I really love him! He has such beautiful eyes ..." At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear.  Then Sarah punched him in the arm and said "Shut Up fatty fathead! She's gonna know we're fakin'!" I recognized her voice of course. Then Trump made some kind of growling/fart noise, and I heard his hair moving (his hair is never really still - it's always slightly moving, like seaweed) so - I knew I was right. "Hey Sarah! Congratulations on your upcoming grand-baby!" I said, "You must be so exc... " But she hung up before I could finish. OH well. I'm glad Peter isn't divorcing me because of marriage equality. 
And - I hope Bristol Palin won't have trouble keeping up with her busy "Abstinence Only" speeches schedule because of this new baby. I'm sure it'll be adorable! - (If it's a girl ... they're going to name her Thunk. Pogg if it's a boy. Thunk-Pogg if it's gender neutral or any other variant. )

Sunday, May 24, 2015

New Year's Resolutions - finally!!

So - here we are. In the middle of 2015 - And I just really got in the mood for the whole "New Year's Resolution thing". I WAS going to do it when the actual "New Year" started - like ... Jan 1st (or by Jan 10th ... you get a 10 day grace period I think - or - if you're Catholic - you can hold out and fold it into that whole "Lent" thing" as in "I will give up being fat for Lent!" - or - "I will give up being lame for Lent!" - etc.)

But I'm not Catholic so that's not what I did. Here's what I did.
I knew I needed - and wanted - to make not just one, but SOME, New Year's Resolutions. I came up with some ideas. "Resolved" to do them. And then just went and did something else and never looked back. Until now.
May!! May 23th actually (WTF???) But hey - we're not even 6 months into the year yet! So if I just make them Mid-Year's Resolutions instead of New Year's Resolutions, I'm not late at all, I'm early! Yeah!!!

Here we go.
I resolve to lose some weight and get in better shape! - yes - that "ye olde chestnute". I've made this even more achieveable by actually gaining some weight since Jan 1st - but lately - over the last 2 weeks, I have lost 4 pounds. (and no - I did not have a stomach flu) - so "check!" - weigh-loss get healthier thing -begun!!

Next up - I resolve to  tidy-up my apartment!
started yesterday - using that Japanese Kon-Mari method -
from what I understand so far (I'm reading the book) - it involves keeping only objects that "spark joy" - and when you throw things away you "thank them for serving their purpose" and tell them that now "it's time for them to go". Also - we don't use that scary "O" word or the "C" word - organize! shudder. clean! gasp.  I'm just "tidying up"! So not scary!! In theory!!

I resolve to write on my blog more - I'm doing it now!!

And finally - I resolve to: get a handle on my finances and do more for my acting career including try stand-up or something like that?? also get that damned podcast up and running!! and finally -  find some pajamas I actually like!

I believe the last one - the pajamas - might actually be the most difficult. Because everything is suddenly made of that hideous "cotton-knit" or "cotton-knit-blend" "crappy t-shirt" material"!!! Because it's cheaper than good old 100% cotton "lawn cloth" - "broad cloth"? - "not crap cloth"? or whatever they call it.  And that "crappy t-shirt" material doesn't work for gals who are larger than a "D-cup" - or have "curves" or have any "just plain actual fat" - because that "crappy t-shirt" material clings to everything and looks - well - crappy.

So yes  - there they are. My Mid-Year's Resolutions. I feel good about them (except the pajama one) ... because I just kinda snuck up on em' by not declaring them until after I'd started doing them.Yay!

Happy New Year 5 1/2months in!!! And don't be afraid to set your own Mid-Year Resolutions now!!

Sunday, July 13, 2014

John Boehner - Drunk Diary - Friday, July 11th

John Boehner shuffles into his study; home from a long, depressing day at work. He pours himself his 12th drink of the day. (Johnny Walker Black, neat, then sinks into his favorite chair. He places his iphone on the end table and hits record.
"July 11, 2014 - Boehner here. Nothing much new. Suing the President. Which, yeah ... some people might call "new", but it's not. It's just a continuation of the general demeaner of what we've been doing all along. It's our mission. Our Modus Operandi. Our "Flag" around which we must rally. Not because we want to, but because, like all good soldiers, we have no choice. And people wonder why I cry.  
(he sinks deeper into his chair, moaning, head in hands as his shoulders start to shake. Tears come, then stop suddenly, as if too tired to continue the journey down his face. He sits up a little straighter and sips his drink.
 ""Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!" I know!! We said we'd do "Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!" God I want to do "Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!" But just like how you have to prime a room before you paint it - prime a pump before you pump it - prime an eye-lid before you put make-up on it (... according to my wife. I don't know about things like that, except what I hear from my wife.) Anyway. We had to focus on first things first. And the primer our national eyelid needs is to make sure that President Barack Hussein Obama fails. "Fail! Fail! Fail!" Before "Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!"
And we've done pretty well making him fail - or almost fail - or at least not make as much progress as he could have.
And believe you me, if we could have gotten Bin Laden safely out of there before those Navy Seals got to him we would have. Obama should NOT have that notch in his belt buckle! But - you win some you lose some and he won that one.
And he's had a couple of other "wins" too. Like passing that damned ObamaCare even though we did everything in our power, and I mean everything, to stop it. And we're not going to stop trying to stop it by the way. No matter what. And let's see ... what else ... well he got reelected! That's a "win". Damn it. Goddamn, frickin' lily-livered-loser prep-school-pooper-scooper Mitt Romney. Mormon! Moron! Mormon Moron! I coulda won that election if they'd let me run. I didn't really say I wanted to run but nobody asked me either and they shoulda asked me. And I woulda, coulda, wanna wanna ...
He stares into space, not crying exactly, but making a sound somewhere between a mumble and a sigh. Wistful, then angry, he jerks upright and drains his glass then refills it.
You think I like this shit? I don't like this shit! Trying to make the President of America fail? That doesn't even sound American! I've always supported the other Presidents. Even when those Presidents weren't Republican. Or even if we didn't exactly "support" 'em. Jeezus. We've never attacked a President the way we're attackin' this one. Rachel Maddow and all those other liberal Lucys and Larrys have been sayin' it all along! Hey! Score! You Got it! We're out to make this guy FAIL. We want to wipe that smile off of his handsome bi-racial Muslim-even-if-he-says-he's-not-either-way-it-doesn't-really-matter-we-still-hate-him (but not because he's black) face!
Reasonable moderate son of a bitch! ACH! Compromising! Always compromising! My God! He modeled his stupid healthcare thingie on our ideas! He thought we wouldn't have the nerve - the temerity - THE BALLS to oppose our very own ideas?? Don't underestimate us you friendly frickin' bastard. Do not. Underestimate us Smiley Smilington ... with your pretty wife with her gorgeous arms and nice personality. Goddamn it.
OH my gosh we hate him so much. He is so, SO bad for America!! What's so bad about him??

OH brother! I can't even remember because there are so many BAD THINGS I can't even keep up with 'em! I don't even have time to answer you, ya see?? Trust me. He's a stinky stinkeroo! ... and I'm a drinky drinkeroo - a stinkeroozy drinkeroozy ... he mumbles again, tries to get up but falls back into his chair. 
God he's a handsome frickin' friendly moderate Benghazi bastardy bastard.  Bastardoodleydoodoodleydoo Cacadoodley doo. Caca doo Benghazi ... Boehner's head drops down to his chest, he snores, softly.

Friday, April 11, 2014

"She Will Be Missed ... "

Governor Mike Huckabee, Biblical literalist and host of the new Fox ultra-fundamentalist game show "I'll be Damned?? Oh no - YOU'LL be Damned!", reasserted this morning that he was not a "hater" - and has nothing against gay people. "It's not my fault..." he added, "... that the gays are just really very High-Level Sinners® whose sins cause God to rain down his wrath in the form of mass shootings, floods, earthquakes and all sorts of other things, possibly including global warming if I were to believe in that which I do not."
He then expressed regret (but did not apologize) for stoning his wife to death last night, after catching her at Red Lobster, wearing a polyester blend and eating from the Endless Shrimp® menu.
"It's God's law, not mine..." he said, shaking his head. When asked if he couldn't have just cut off her hand or something, he replied, ruefully, "I wish ... but that's just not what the Bible says."
By all indications, his wife, also a staunch Biblical Literalist - supported his decision, and even helped him gather the stones.
"She was always one to help ..." said Myrtle Parks, a childhood friend who attended the stoning, "... and quite the Bible-reader too. Don't know how she managed to forget the part about not eatin' shrimp and the blended fabrics thing.  It's right there in black and white!"

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Oven Hash! (for Special Breakfast!)

I love breakfast. Dinner too. And I'm not opposed to lunch either now that I think about it. But this is about breakfast. Sunday breakfast, which at our house we call "Special Breakfast".  Here's what we had today. (and no - I didn't take a picture of it ... this time)  

- Cold smoked salmon (from Acme, our neighborhood smoked fish place) - European Cornbread (not like American cornbread, more like a tangy sliced peasant loaf with cornmeal in it) medium boiled eggs (simmered for exactly 6 minutes, whites are set and yolks are runny) spicy roasted tomato salsa and oven hash.  

Oven hash is my new "discovery".  Born of dieting - trying to find a new way to make a successful breakfast potato-y dish with lots of flavor but not lots of fat.The trick is to use just a little potato - and fill in with other wonderful root veg and non-root veg.  too, adding them in "shifts" - starting with the potato. It's EASY - and so good. 

Here tis' -
Oven Hash  - (feeds two or three or maybe four people - depending on how much they eat!)
Preheat your oven to 425 degrees -
Cube two medium potatoes, whatever kind you have (I used one yukon gold and one "rose gold" (an heirloom potato with rosy hued flesh) you'll want about a 3/4 inch dice (can be bigger or smaller if you like - the smaller you but it the faster it will cook. Keep that in mind). When oven is hot - toss the potatoes with a teaspoon or two of olive oil and salt and pepper. Then put on a rimmed baking sheet and pop into the oven. (note the teaspoon - you've got to be careful with the olive oil if you're watching your calories - you want enough, just not too much. Also - most people use too much oil when they roast veg. It makes them greasy. Stop it!)

From here on, it's pretty free-form, depending on what root vegetables you have. You can add a sweet potato - parsnip - carrot etc. - I used one largish turnip and 4 small purple carrots - cut about the same size as the potatoes. Toss those with a teaspoon or so of olive oil and salt and pepper -
after about 10 minutes (You'll be able to smell that the potatoes are cooking, even though they're not done yet), add the turnip and carrot (or whatever other root veg your using) to the baking sheet.
Then you're going to add some softer veg - in this case I added half a chopped fennel bulb and medium bell pepper, cut about the same size as the previous veg - also tossed with teaspoon or so of olive oil, salt and pepper. (You could also add mushrooms, green beans, chopped kale, broccoli, celery, onion - pretty much anything you want. Really.) - LET'S REVIEW. The potatoes cooked about 10 minutes before you added your other root veg - at least 10 minutes more have passed since you added the root veg. Pull out your baking sheet and toss the potato and root veg around. They should be starting to brown, and also to release pretty easily from your baking sheet. If that's not the case, then put them back in for a while. (When things are cooked enough, they release - when not, they don't.)
OK - so once your turnips and potatoes are releasing from the pan and seem closer to ready but not done yet, you'll add that "softer" veg. Put back in the oven, and let the whole thing cook for at least 10 more minutes, maybe more. The softer veg won't get "crispy", but it will start to brown, and become tender. You want it to be browned and caramelized in spots. The whole thing takes about 30 minutes. Taste for seasoning - add salt, pepper or fresh herbs to taste. Add some grated cheese if you want. (not a lot - just enough to make it "fun") and put back in the oven until the cheese melts. And that's it!
It's as good as any fried breakfast potatoes, home fries, hash browns, etc. with way less fat and cals. - it's hard to say exactly how many cals, as there's so much variation. But I ran it through the calorie counter I use on and it's 176 per serving for 3 generous servings. Less if you use more turnip and less potato, or a little less olive oil - or have smaller portions ... right?

Sunday, October 13, 2013

It's time ... almost.

As I write this, my sweet orange kitty Eric is dying. He'll be gone sometime between now, and four days from now - either because he's slipped away on his own, or because I have taken the final step and put him to sleep. I feel a little silly calling it "put to sleep" - but don't like the alternative "put him down". I could keep searching for other ways to say it, but think I'll just go with "put to sleep", which is what we called it when I was a kid. I knew then, and know now, that it is an act of mercy, for everyone involved really. Not something to be rushed into, but also not something to put off for too long once the time is nigh.
My husband and I took him to our vet, Dr. S, a couple of weeks ago, because he'd just gotten so skinny, and wasn't eating well.  Dr. S is a gruff, no nonsense man, like a thinner Wilfred Brimley, with sad eyes, framed by heavy, dramatically wrinkled lids. If he thinks that what you just said is kind of stupid, he doesn't  hesitate to tell you. But he's also given to displays of unexpected sweetness, saying things like "Cats don't worry or care so much about living here on earth, not like we do, and soon his little spirit will go off to kitty heaven and he'll be waiting for you when you get there."
An x-ray showed a mass. "It's pretty hard..." Dr. S said, gently probing his belly, "... and that's not a good sign, not good at all."  It was sort of near his bladder, from what we could see. Hard to tell exactly without doing a sonogram and/or exploratory surgery, which would cost $300 and $600 respectively. We don't have the money for either of those things right now, not really. I mean REALLY not really. We do not. So lucky for us, Dr. S didn't think either of those things were really worth doing. He winced when I asked about chemo or any kind of treatment, or maybe trying that exploratory surgery, to see if there was any chance of removing it.
"You need to think about how much you want to put this 15 year old kitty through." he said, not unkindly, but not all "comfort and roses" either. It was more like a little shake, to bring me to my senses. He said we could give him subcutaneous fluids to get him re-hydrated and see if that helped his appetite perk up and to call in a few days to let him know how Eric was doing. So, we took him home, did the fluid thing, and he did perk up, a little at least.
But soon he seemed to be losing ground again. When I took Eric in for another check-up, about two weeks later, he'd pretty much stopped eating, barely a tablespoon of food a day, if that, for over a week. He'd lost another pound and a half, a lot for a cat. Dr. S looked at me, sighed a sigh containing all the final sighs of all the animals he'd devoted his life and heart to, and said, "I think it's time we think about ending this for him. Are there people at home who need to say a final goodbye?"
I'm crying by now, of course. "Not really..." I say, "... my husband is out of town. He's on tour, and I'm by myself..."
He felt that I should take Eric home, spend the weekend with him. Then bring him back in on Monday. But then he realized that they wouldn't be in on Monday because of Columbus Day, and that he himself wouldn't be in again until Thursday - so - ugh. What to do?  I asked if we should do it "now, right now..." and he drew back, a little horrified, "No!"
He really, truly thought I needed to spend more time with my kitty. He wanted me to say goodbye. And I'm glad, but, it's also been a little torturous. I cried most of the rest of the day on Friday - managed to stop crying and go to work on Saturday, but only by banning all thoughts of Eric entirely. When a co-worker started to tell me about her cat's minor stomach ailment I mostly just nodded, "uh huh..." Another co-worker joined us and chirped, "They're like our children aren't they?"
I extricated myself from the conversation without anyone noticing, and made it through the rest of the job, a cocktail party for 55,  in tact. But now here I sit, at my computer, writing this essay about my dying cat, free to cry as much as I want. And because I'm also an actress, I just looked at my crying face in the mirror and thought, quite seriously, "I cry as good as Claire Danes don't I? I think I do." Thank you "Carol's Ego", for making Carol laugh.
Anyway, as sad as I am, which is very, that whole "they're like our children" business kind of bothers me. Because, I'm sorry, but they are not. Losing a pet, as sad as it is, can't possibly be like losing a child. I have nothing to base this on really, since I have no children. But I can do my best to put myself in the place of my friends who are parents. I can see the look in their eyes when they're simply showing me a picture of their child, and I can guess at the incredible pain I know they would feel at the loss of that child. I can't feel it, of course, but surely, the pain of losing a child, on a scale of 1 to 10 has got to be infinity. Beyond any conceivable scale.
The pain of losing a pet is more like losing a friend. I've lost a few friends, sadly, so I know what that's like. And that's what I'm feeling now, with Eric. He's been a good friend. And yes, a bit "child-like" in that he's an innocent little creature that I agreed to take care of. He's always been a snuggler. He's always gazed into my eyes, purring like mad, reaching out his paw to touch my face, like a lover, or yes, more accurately, like a little child, motivated by all that is good and makes life worth living; the pure pleasure of connection. He drinks my bath water for Christ's sake! Hot bath water, even it's got soap or bath oil in it, because it's mine. That's how much he loves me. So I get it, I get it when people say "they're like our children" - I just don't buy it. And I don't need to say that to justify how sad I am, which, as noted, is very. I know that when Eric finally goes, I'll cry some more, and yes, I'm crying now, but I'll stop soon enough. In a day or two at most. I'll always miss him, but it won't be a wound that never heals. Closure is possible with the loss of a pet, and even with the loss of a friend. But with the loss of a child? I don't know if closure ever comes.
What I hope is that Eric will last four more days, until Thursday, so that I can take him back to Dr. S, to have him put to sleep. But I'm not sure he'll last that long. Dr. S wasn't sure either, so he gave me a syringe that I can give Eric myself if I feel the time has arrived before Thursday. He showed me where to inject it, behind the last rib, into his side. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. I don't think I can do that. I don't want to do that. Please tell me that I don't have to do that.
And that's were I am now. Waiting. Waiting to say goodbye to my sweet kitty friend. And looking forward to the closure that I know will come, with time.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Ted Cruz, Mastermind of the Government Shutdown (in his own words)

(interview, already in progress) ... So Paul Ryan runs into my office screaming, "He's not budging. YOU SAID HE'D BUDGE!! But he's not!! He's not going to defund Obamacare! And he won't fix the budget!! And he won't do any of the other stuff YOU SAID he'd do!!!"
"Calm down Ryan!" I said, "There's no crying in Congress!" (except for Boehner, ha ha). 
But - he just kept crying so I sent him out to get some air. Therefore, I'm afraid you'll just have to hear from me, Ted Cruz, Mastermind of the Government Shutdown. Yes, yes, please write that down. I'd like you to write that every time you write my name. Ted Cruz, Mastermind of the Government Shutdown. Thank you.
Wait, what did you say?? Did you seriously just ask me what is wrong with Obamacare?? Well, it's worse than slavery! It's like nine hundred nuclear bombs covered with AIDS! That's what's wrong with it! It's like something the Nazis would do! And Hitler, you know? Have you HEARD of Hitler? You're actually asking me how it's like Hitler? Well how is it not like Hitler?? That's my question to you! Can you answer that??
OK - I hear you speaking, saying things that sound like ways you think Obamacare is different from Hitler, but you might as well be speaking in some kind of foreign language to me because it doesn't make any sense and I'm not going to discuss it anymore. Next question.
What still needs to be fixed in the budget? Did you just ask me that??? Well it's too big!! Duh!! You certainly wouldn't run your household the way we run this government. Can you imagine?? Borrowing money from China to buy things for your family? Like, say you had a young son, a toddler perhaps - and you needed, of course, to buy him things, like medicine, and clothes, and toys; I guess ... though I'll tell you, and this is true, kids are usually pretty happy with a box. That's what I get my kids every year, for birthdays and Christmas too. I go to all the big toy stores and snag some really good boxes, right there in the dumpster, in perfectly good condition, usually with pictures of toys right on them and  I give those boxes to my kids instead of toys and they're happy as can be! OH sure they whine about it at first, "But Daddy! Our friends get the actual toys! Not just the boxes!" But then when I explain to them the fiscal sense of my giving them free boxes, instead of paying good money for toys, Chinese toys that are very likely covered in poison and poop germs, well, they stop crying and sit down with those boxes and have a ball. Kids love fiscal sense! It makes 'em feel safe! Why the Democrats don't want their kids to feel safe I couldn't tell you, but they don't, which is why they reject the laws of fiscal sense. And why they don't understand that we need to run the government like a household. "But our government's not like a household Congressman Cruz!" people say. "Yes!" It is!" I say. End of discussion. 
Do I know economists disagree with me on that? Well I guess if I believed in economists that would mean something to me, but you know, I might as well believe in The Tooth Fairy. Economists are just like scientists. They believe all this mumbo jumbo based on research and stuff, and they've got charts and graphs that they CLAIM show facts and stuff, but the real deal is this ... God tells me what I need to know. End of story. I get a message from God, and I get that message pretty much every hour on the hour, and that message is this. "Ted! Don't cave. Don't listen to 'em. Don't let that bastard win!" That's right. God, speaking DIRECTLY TO ME, refers to President Obama as a bastard!! Listen, I wouldn't believe it if I didn't hear it myself, every hour on the hour, but I do. I tried to record it on my iphone, so I could play it for everyone in the world, but - of course, you can't capture the voice of our Heavenly Father on a worldly mobile device. And I was arrogant to think I could, so God took me down a peg for that by giving me a pretty mean case of diarrhea! Now a lot of other Reps got it as well and they think it's because our Government Shutdown sent all the staff home from the Congressional dining hall meaning we had to prepare our own grub and somebody (I'm looking at you Boehner!) probably didn't wash their hands properly after going to the bathroom. But - well - I don't know - even though other people got it too, I still think my diarrhea is special and was sent from God. And as far as I'm concerned, what I think goes, know what I mean? I don't need to "listen to other people" or "weigh the facts" or "learn from history" or any of that. I've got me, myself and I, and, of course, Him, and those are the only Facts that I need to weigh. So here's the deal. God says "Ted Cruz! Mastermind of the Government Shutdown! That bastard cannot win under any circumstances!"
His words - not mine. So, even if everything ends up getting destroyed to achieve that, well, as we all know, God has destroyed things before. So - if he wants to do that again, through me, then I, his humble servant, have no choice in the matter. Because God hates that bastard Obama! It's not up to me, and Amen to that! Because that would be a lot of pressure! And I probably wouldn't be up to the task IF it weren't for God guiding me: Ted Cruz, Mastermind of the Government Shutdown.
End it like that, if you don't mind. I just love the way that sounds you know? Oops! I've got to run to the bathroom. If you'll excuse me.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

What I did yesterday? Forget it.

Well - that certainly didn't work. Me writing a daily blog entry called "What I Did Yesterday" - as a ploy to get myself to write more - or write period. I've really fallen off the old bandwagon. Way off - and neither the "wagon" or the "band" is anywhere in sight.
Fine then - that wasn't the answer. And there will be NO series called "What I Did Yesterday". And no one will mind. I'm sure.
I do feel like writing again though - and so - I will. And we'll see how that goes.
This time I'll keep in mind that my schedule is weird - odd-ball - unpredictable; so for the foreseeable future, anything like regular "daily" writing isn't likely. Or - maybe it's the "publishing" part that's the problem/challenge - maybe that's what's really getting in my way.
Maybe instead of feeling I need to publish something every day (even if it's just on this wee blog that pretty much nobody - except you two ;-) - actually reads at the moment, I can just write, and publish once or twice a week?
It's the publishing part that takes so long after all, the editing, the "finishing" part that one must do before hitting that little "publish" button, that is what can take so long!
So - maybe to 'write' every day - but not to have to 'publish' every day - is the secret to getting to a place where I can actually write and publish more, rather than these little flashes I have every few months - that disappear the second I get busy with too much work, too much running around, or too much whatever else.
(e.g. at the end of June this summer - I was suddenly hired to do a play - a challenging, funny, thought-provoking play, going to The Edinburgh Fringe Festival for a whole month! It was an adventure to be sure - and I'll write about that next, as best I can. (though I may need to hire a lawyer - or a body guard - or something - ha.)
It was a trip, in more ways than one.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

What I did yesterday - the day before that, and the day before that.

I done got behind here.
Cuz I got a wonkity schedule and I jus cain't always git it all squared away and get all of everythin' I wanna do done. You ever been thar??
I'ma bettin' that ya have.
And I ain't got much time today neither, so's I'm gonna do this at a bit of a clip.
Startin' with Monday - Not much to say about that - so I'm not going to dwell on it.
(A cop out!! I know!! Call the cops.)
Tuesday - went to therapy. I probably do have stuff to say about that ... but I don't got no time to get into that now - so - I ain't gonna say nuthin' about that either.
(Withholding! I know! Or is it resistance ... Call the therapy cops and ask them why don'tcha)
Then I went to Trader Joe's - which I love. And bought stuff I like to buy there - like wine (great prices! and no - I'm not talking about $2 buck Chuck or that cheapo crap. I'm talking nice bottles that are $15 to $20 elsewhere and $10 to $15 there - and you  know - other great stuff they've got there. Their toilet paper. (I like it! Don't know why really) Kind bars (good price point) Organic Celery! (great price on that!) (Brie Bites! Perfect for diet's - portion controlled goodness 'on the go'! - etc.
Then I did a very large party - I was a KA (kitchen assistant) and it was on the water (on the shore though - thank God - as I don't like to work on boats!) and it was gorgeous! And nice weather! and it was stressful - high pressure! But  went great - and the food was great - like really great - etc.
OK - Wednesday. Yesterday - got acupuncture! For nagging knot of pain in shoulder/upper back that continues to plague me - (Acupuncture is included in our health plan! Which is so great! + a free mini-chair massage from the massage/yoga guy at our "health collective" - Yes! We have a health collective!! And it's great!!) - then I went to Macy's - quickly - to see if they had one more shirt there like the other one I got that I really liked. It had a peplum waist, and that is what I should wear almost all the time for my body type - that's what I've learned lately about dressing -- but - they didn't have another one. That's OK
And there was a lady there who was an  "out-loud shopper". Which means that she narrated everything she was doing, VERY LOUDLY, as she walked around the store. "Two for $15.99!! That's a good price that's what that is!!" She declared at the top of her lungs. "I'm gonna get six of 'em!" Then - "I don't like them "boy" lookin' shorts for MY underwear - No I do not!" "I don't like them high cuts either. I like me a hipster brief! Ain't none a' them on sale?" "Can't nobody help me in this store?" "Don't nobody work here?" "This here is a good price too. I'ma get me six a' these here."
And so on. And - she had a young child with her, her grandson I'm guessing, who kept running away.
"Why you keep runnin' off Peewee!" she shouted.

"I know why you run off Peewee ..." I thought to myself. "Run Peewee Run!!"
And that's it - for now. :-)