For his opening remarks, Donald Trump will bite the head off of a live chicken.

 He will then lean into his now blood spattered microphone and say, "I don't know about you, but it always bothered me that Alice Cooper didn't really do it. I am about REALLY DOING THINGS! And I will bite the head off of ANYTHING for my country!!"

After a moment of stunned silence - Mike Huckabee will slap a wig on Marco Rubio - smear lipstick on his mouth and shove his tongue down Rubio's throat, while screaming, between kisses, "You MY "b-word" now Rubio!!!! (Huckabee refuses to curse, no matter what) Look at what a little "b-word" he is!!! right Donald??? You wanna kiss my little "b-word"???" 

Rubio will struggle free and cry, "Hey! Cut it out Mike!!" and wipe off the lipstick. The moderator, Chuck Norris, will then ask the first question, because all time for more opening remarks has been used up.
Chuck Norris will direct his first question to Governor Scott Walker.

"If you could design your own "nuclear deal with Iran", as opposed to "the marching the Israelis into the ovens of the Holocaust" one that President Obama just made, what would it be?"

But before Walker can answer Trump takes another bite of the still pulsating yet now headless chicken - and yells "My Deal Would Look Like this!!!!" 
Feathers and little pieces of bone fly out of his mouth.

The rest of the candidates all scream variations of "Blow 'em up!" "Nuke 'em all!!" "Kill!Kill!Kill!!" and the like.

Before the next question can be asked - Chris Christie - in a panic - pulls down his pants and attempts to force Neurosurgeon Ben Carson to perform fellatio on him, but he underestimates Dr. Carson's fitness level. Carson deftly pushes the butt of his hand up Christie's nose, snapping his head back, breaking both his nose and his neck - he falls to the stage with a thud, twitching and bleeding. Carson calmly walks back to his podium and says quietly - "Ask me a question Chuck Norris ... I really want you to ask me a question. I know all of the answers. Ask me something."

Chuck Norris, after checking with the producer, calls an ambulance and announces that the debate will pause while Governor Christie gets medical attention. Jeb Bush rushes over to Christie and tries to perform CPR but realizes that he doesn't know how. 
Ted Cruz - who's been silent until now, pulls out two automatic weapons and threatens to blow away anyone who helps Christie. Trump calmly walks over - his mouth still bloody from the chicken, which he's eaten at least half of now - and says to Cruz, "Give me the guns Ted."

Ted says, "OK, I'll give 'em to you" - and fires at Trump, round after round. The bullets enter his body and exit - blood pours out - but he just keeps checking his hair and laughing, not falling and not dying. Cruz is running out of ammunition. The others throw their weapons to him.
** (All debate participants were required to bring at least one loaded firearm).
No matter how many times Cruz fires at Trump, he will not die.

The debate finally ends - Fox's ratings are through the roof, and Americans, on the whole, feel that the debate really gave them a better idea of the candidates platforms and stances on various issues. However, all agree that they need to see more debates before making their final decision.
 With Chris Christie dead, it is likely that Rick Perry will be able to join the next debate, and of course - the apparently unstoppable Donald Trump will continue to lead in the polls.

Crank call .... #LoveWins #BigotsLose #MyMarriageIsSafe !!

Peter just called me - he's out on tour so, you know, hasn't been home much lately. Then I nearly fainted, because he yelled into the phone. "I want a divorce!" "What??" I asked him why, and he said - "Because Gay People are getting Married - DUH !!!! That makes our marriage invalid!!!" -- but something about the call was funny. So I said, "... wait a minute ... you don't sound like Peter ... who is this??" -- Then I figured it out. It was Rush Limbaugh - Donald Trump ... and Sarah Palin. They sounded drunk, and were giggling and shushing each other. Then one of them - Limbaugh, I'm pretty sure, started to cry. He mumbled through tears "I have feelings for Antonin Scalia. I really love him! He has such beautiful eyes ..." At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear.  Then Sarah punched him in the arm and said "Shut Up fatty fathead! She's gonna know we're fakin'!" I recognized her voice of course. Then Trump made some kind of growling/fart noise, and I heard his hair moving (his hair is never really still - it's always slightly moving, like seaweed) so - I knew I was right. "Hey Sarah! Congratulations on your upcoming grand-baby!" I said, "You must be so exc... " But she hung up before I could finish. OH well. I'm glad Peter isn't divorcing me because of marriage equality. 
And - I hope Bristol Palin won't have trouble keeping up with her busy "Abstinence Only" speeches schedule because of this new baby. I'm sure it'll be adorable! - (If it's a girl ... they're going to name her Thunk. Pogg if it's a boy. Thunk-Pogg if it's gender neutral or any other variant. )

New Year's Resolutions - finally!!

So - here we are. In the middle of 2015 - And I just really got in the mood for the whole "New Year's Resolution thing". I WAS going to do it when the actual "New Year" started - like ... Jan 1st (or by Jan 10th ... you get a 10 day grace period I think - or - if you're Catholic - you can hold out and fold it into that whole "Lent" thing" as in "I will give up being fat for Lent!" - or - "I will give up being lame for Lent!" - etc.)

But I'm not Catholic so that's not what I did. Here's what I did.
I knew I needed - and wanted - to make not just one, but SOME, New Year's Resolutions. I came up with some ideas. "Resolved" to do them. And then just went and did something else and never looked back. Until now.
May!! May 23th actually (WTF???) But hey - we're not even 6 months into the year yet! So if I just make them Mid-Year's Resolutions instead of New Year's Resolutions, I'm not late at all, I'm early! Yeah!!!

Here we go.
I resolve to lose some weight and get in better shape! - yes - that "ye olde chestnute". I've made this even more achieveable by actually gaining some weight since Jan 1st - but lately - over the last 2 weeks, I have lost 4 pounds. (and no - I did not have a stomach flu) - so "check!" - weigh-loss get healthier thing -begun!!

Next up - I resolve to  tidy-up my apartment!
started yesterday - using that Japanese Kon-Mari method - TidyingUp.com
from what I understand so far (I'm reading the book) - it involves keeping only objects that "spark joy" - and when you throw things away you "thank them for serving their purpose" and tell them that now "it's time for them to go". Also - we don't use that scary "O" word or the "C" word - organize! shudder. clean! gasp.  I'm just "tidying up"! So not scary!! In theory!!

I resolve to write on my blog more - I'm doing it now!!

And finally - I resolve to: get a handle on my finances and do more for my acting career including try stand-up or something like that?? also get that damned podcast up and running!! and finally -  find some pajamas I actually like!

I believe the last one - the pajamas - might actually be the most difficult. Because everything is suddenly made of that hideous "cotton-knit" or "cotton-knit-blend" "crappy t-shirt" material"!!! Because it's cheaper than good old 100% cotton "lawn cloth" - "broad cloth"? - "not crap cloth"? or whatever they call it.  And that "crappy t-shirt" material doesn't work for gals who are larger than a "D-cup" - or have "curves" or have any "just plain actual fat" - because that "crappy t-shirt" material clings to everything and looks - well - crappy.

So yes  - there they are. My Mid-Year's Resolutions. I feel good about them (except the pajama one) ... because I just kinda snuck up on em' by not declaring them until after I'd started doing them.Yay!

Happy New Year 5 1/2months in!!! And don't be afraid to set your own Mid-Year Resolutions now!!