Governor Mike Huckabee, Biblical literalist and host of the new Fox ultra-fundamentalist game show "I'll be Damned?? Oh no - YOU'LL be Damned!", reasserted this morning that he was not a "hater" - and has nothing against gay people. "It's not my fault..." he added, "... that the gays are just really very High-Level Sinners® whose sins cause God to rain down his wrath in the form of mass shootings, floods, earthquakes and all sorts of other things, possibly including global warming if I were to believe in that which I do not."
He then expressed regret (but did not apologize) for stoning his wife to death last night, after catching her at Red Lobster, wearing a polyester blend and eating from the Endless Shrimp® menu.
"It's God's law, not mine..." he said, shaking his head. When asked if he couldn't have just cut off her hand or something, he replied, ruefully, "I wish ... but that's just not what the Bible says."
By all indications, his wife, also a staunch Biblical Literalist - supported his decision, and even helped him gather the stones.
"She was always one to help ..." said Myrtle Parks, a childhood friend who attended the stoning, "... and quite the Bible-reader too. Don't know how she managed to forget the part about not eatin' shrimp and the blended fabrics thing. It's right there in black and white!"
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