SERIOUSLY!!!! Oh my god.
I've got too many things to write about.
Here's the thing ... (by the way - Alec Baldwin totally stole that from me. I say it all the time - write it ALL THE TIME - it is MINE and it should be the name of MY show not his. I will begin legal action Monday morning - head's up Alec!)
Meanwhile - HERE'S the thing(s). Random things that bother me. Willy Nilly. Such as ...
~ Ladies? When did we give permission to the sleepwear industry to stop making pajamas and nightgowns out of crisp "flattering on everybody" and totally comfortable (woven) cotton and to start making them out of crappy "not really that flattering on anybody" and not really that comfortable (knit) cotton jersey?
I did not give such permission. And neither did you. They just started doing it - slowly - then not so slowly. And now it's done. I used to be able to reliably go into TJ Maxx - Belks (in NC) - Filene's (RIP) - lots of places - and RELIABLY find some very cute little pajamas - crisp cotton - ankle length pants with a little ruffle and a baby-dollish (but not in a stupid way) sort of top - for around $30. Now it's all T-shirts and T-shirt material. Pilling-prone, sag-prone jersey bullshit. Sorry for the cursing. But that's what it is. Jersey. Bullshit. Cheaper to make I guess. Well fine. No! Not fine! That's not what I want to buy! Aren't they interested in making something I may want to buy?? Doesn't anyone else miss the crisp cotton??? The jersey holds heat!!! IT HOLDS HEAT!!! And it looks terrible without a bra if you're over a C cup. And believe me - it's been a loooooong time since I've seen my old friend the C cup. So screw you sleepwear industry. Get the flu and die. (except the workers who make the stuff - it's not your fault - don't get the flu, or die.)
~ Moving on. For Christ's sake grocery stores - high end - low end - middle end - ALL OF YOU. Stop freezing your smoked salmon then putting it out thawed thinking I won't know that you froze it!!! Stop it!!! I KNOW OK?? You're not fooling anybody!!! You are ruining the texture AND the flavor - but mostly the TEXTURE. You're making it mushy and too salty - not buttery and rich - MUSHY!!! SALTY!!!! And gross. You are RUINING your product!!! Then selling it to me - who is totally unaware that you've ruined it! If I knew then I WOULDN'T BUY IT. And I WON'T be buying it again!!!! Not from you - that's for sure! If you want to sell ruined smoked salmon then say so, "Ruined Smoked Salmon" $2 a pound - right on the package. So everybody who loves Ruined Smoked Salmon can keep buying it (for a more appropriate price) and people who prefer un-ruined smoked salmon can make an informed decision. Have you ever tasted it?? - to see if freezing it makes a difference?? WELL TASTE IT!!!! See???? It tastes like crap. Just stop it.
~ And - cooks in restaurants from all over America - PLEASE stop putting weird stuff in your collard greens. STOP PUTTING WEIRD STUFF IN YOUR COLLARD GREENS!!! Fresh collard greens, properly cooked, don't need buckets of balsamic vinegar - Worcestershire - Liquid Smoke - chipotles - anchovies - ketchup - sugar - maple syrup - MAPLE SYRUP???? - agave - sultanas - verjus - 112 cloves of garlic - cacao or curry paste. They really don't. THEY DON'T!!!.
Sure - Put a little garlic or make a simple broth with a smoked turkey leg or a ham hock - and an onion - JUST AN ONION and simmer the greens in that - or just put an onion on top before you slow cook them with a piece of smoked ham, or without - or saute them with a little garlic and a little chili - and fine - put a little A LITTLE vinegar. lemon or hot sauce at the end - or better yet - let the diner do that themselves. Because they taste good like they are - all you have to do is get out of the way. Get out of the way - and put down that fish sauce, pickle relish and vanilla extract!
~ And in closing - step into the freakin' car on the subway - STEP IN!!! And get out of the freakin' door and close your legs, move over and take your bags off of the SEAT!!! And stop shambling down the street 3 abreast, talking on your cell phone at the top of your lungs and look where you're going and take those ear phones out of your ears so you can hear me asking you to GET OUT OF MY WAY you dopey blank-eyed "knit cap even in the summer wearing" id-i-ot!!!!! YES YOU - with the horn implants - and also you - wearing that "JUICY BITCH" T-shirt giving your toddler Cheetos and blue juice - and you too Hedge Fund Harrison, you perma-smirk poo-headed economy destroying pock mark. All of you. I am watching you. And will continue to watch you until I decide to turn away. At which point you will cease to matter. As if you already haven't. Ceased to. Matter. So there.
