John Boehner - Drunk Diary - Friday, July 11th

John Boehner shuffles into his study; home from a long, depressing day at work. He pours himself his 12th drink of the day. (Johnny Walker Black, neat, then sinks into his favorite chair. He places his iphone on the end table and hits record.
"July 11, 2014 - Boehner here. Nothing much new. Suing the President. Which, yeah ... some people might call "new", but it's not. It's just a continuation of the general demeaner of what we've been doing all along. It's our mission. Our Modus Operandi. Our "Flag" around which we must rally. Not because we want to, but because, like all good soldiers, we have no choice. And people wonder why I cry.  
(he sinks deeper into his chair, moaning, head in hands as his shoulders start to shake. Tears come, then stop suddenly, as if too tired to continue the journey down his face. He sits up a little straighter and sips his drink.
 ""Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!" I know!! We said we'd do "Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!" God I want to do "Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!" But just like how you have to prime a room before you paint it - prime a pump before you pump it - prime an eye-lid before you put make-up on it (... according to my wife. I don't know about things like that, except what I hear from my wife.) Anyway. We had to focus on first things first. And the primer our national eyelid needs is to make sure that President Barack Hussein Obama fails. "Fail! Fail! Fail!" Before "Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!"
And we've done pretty well making him fail - or almost fail - or at least not make as much progress as he could have.
And believe you me, if we could have gotten Bin Laden safely out of there before those Navy Seals got to him we would have. Obama should NOT have that notch in his belt buckle! But - you win some you lose some and he won that one.
And he's had a couple of other "wins" too. Like passing that damned ObamaCare even though we did everything in our power, and I mean everything, to stop it. And we're not going to stop trying to stop it by the way. No matter what. And let's see ... what else ... well he got reelected! That's a "win". Damn it. Goddamn, frickin' lily-livered-loser prep-school-pooper-scooper Mitt Romney. Mormon! Moron! Mormon Moron! I coulda won that election if they'd let me run. I didn't really say I wanted to run but nobody asked me either and they shoulda asked me. And I woulda, coulda, wanna wanna ...
He stares into space, not crying exactly, but making a sound somewhere between a mumble and a sigh. Wistful, then angry, he jerks upright and drains his glass then refills it.
You think I like this shit? I don't like this shit! Trying to make the President of America fail? That doesn't even sound American! I've always supported the other Presidents. Even when those Presidents weren't Republican. Or even if we didn't exactly "support" 'em. Jeezus. We've never attacked a President the way we're attackin' this one. Rachel Maddow and all those other liberal Lucys and Larrys have been sayin' it all along! Hey! Score! You Got it! We're out to make this guy FAIL. We want to wipe that smile off of his handsome bi-racial Muslim-even-if-he-says-he's-not-either-way-it-doesn't-really-matter-we-still-hate-him (but not because he's black) face!
Reasonable moderate son of a bitch! ACH! Compromising! Always compromising! My God! He modeled his stupid healthcare thingie on our ideas! He thought we wouldn't have the nerve - the temerity - THE BALLS to oppose our very own ideas?? Don't underestimate us you friendly frickin' bastard. Do not. Underestimate us Smiley Smilington ... with your pretty wife with her gorgeous arms and nice personality. Goddamn it.
OH my gosh we hate him so much. He is so, SO bad for America!! What's so bad about him??

OH brother! I can't even remember because there are so many BAD THINGS I can't even keep up with 'em! I don't even have time to answer you, ya see?? Trust me. He's a stinky stinkeroo! ... and I'm a drinky drinkeroo - a stinkeroozy drinkeroozy ... he mumbles again, tries to get up but falls back into his chair. 
God he's a handsome frickin' friendly moderate Benghazi bastardy bastard.  Bastardoodleydoodoodleydoo Cacadoodley doo. Caca doo Benghazi ... Boehner's head drops down to his chest, he snores, softly.

"She Will Be Missed ... "

Governor Mike Huckabee, Biblical literalist and host of the new Fox ultra-fundamentalist game show "I'll be Damned?? Oh no - YOU'LL be Damned!", reasserted this morning that he was not a "hater" - and has nothing against gay people. "It's not my fault..." he added, "... that the gays are just really very High-Level Sinners® whose sins cause God to rain down his wrath in the form of mass shootings, floods, earthquakes and all sorts of other things, possibly including global warming if I were to believe in that which I do not."
He then expressed regret (but did not apologize) for stoning his wife to death last night, after catching her at Red Lobster, wearing a polyester blend and eating from the Endless Shrimp® menu.
"It's God's law, not mine..." he said, shaking his head. When asked if he couldn't have just cut off her hand or something, he replied, ruefully, "I wish ... but that's just not what the Bible says."
By all indications, his wife, also a staunch Biblical Literalist - supported his decision, and even helped him gather the stones.
"She was always one to help ..." said Myrtle Parks, a childhood friend who attended the stoning, "... and quite the Bible-reader too. Don't know how she managed to forget the part about not eatin' shrimp and the blended fabrics thing.  It's right there in black and white!"